an ugly truth is always better than a pretty lie…

This is MY reality…


<<anyone that gets butt hurt over swear words DON’T read, anyone that has OCD over poor punctuation DON’T read. blurted this out as the emotions and thoughts raced through my head, it’s raw, it’s my truth, it’s where my head was at during this time>>

I don’t want fairy tales i want the fucking truth!

i am so angry  i am so alone and i am so sick of the human race, it utterly makes me want to vomit over and over again

the first 20 years of my life i lived under the protection of my mothers fake ass world that she believed to be best for me. This RUINED me later in life! No not angry, i truly believe she did what she did out of love for me and what she believed was the best for her only child, me

i feel like my true birthday was the day my mom died. I was 21 years old that day. It has been pure fucking hell since.  all that i knew to be true has ended in complete disaster and lies. most of what my mom taught me was pure bullshit. That day was when i truly was born and i was born alone surrounded by idiots and enemies that took me 20 years of trudging through to see them truly as they were and what life, religion, and the point of it all truly is.

I am now almost 41 and still trying to rebuild MY reality. The topics I have been dealt with either by choice OR NOT! Are: who is really loyal, who is really sincere in anything they do or say, who are mindless following sheep and most importantly who are NOT, what is religion, what is the history and point of religion, what’s the truth about the bible, what’s really going on with our government?


I am passionate about finding the truth out. I refuse to create false crap so i can sleep better at night, i am done with fairy tales and following or even believing there is good left out there anymore, at least where i stand today these are my views – most of all the thing that literally pisses me off the most, is all the proof out there that people ignore regarding our government and religion, history that goes ignored or twisted. People need to stand up and think for themselves, thinking period would be a good start!


my conclusion today is an angry one but today this is my truth and my reality, may not be the same tomorrow or even by tonight. as my views evolve with knowledge, with heartbreak, and sometimes even with happiness.


today i believe this –

i strongly believe that we were created. but i doubt the bible is all true or even accurate.  i don’t even know how to explain that contradictory statement yet considering the only book that teaches us about god is the very same book i now doubt its validity . Today i believe the bible to be pretty much 99% fake and made up with evil motives and by a bad game of telephone he said she said bullshit.


i believe that the very person today you believe that loves you and will be by your side till the day of death, in deed won’t be and they do not truly love you. And more than likely will become your biggest heartbreak or enemy. The ones we love the most are the ones we have the most expectations of. Which is ultimately our mistakes and not the other persons, but i do believe the more we love the more control we lose and allows us to be hurt and let down in the end, no one i guess to blame on this it’s just life and furthermore, more proof that humans suck!


i will always believe humans to be weak and dumb as a whole — humans never amaze me, they never surprise me and they are the most predictable fucking animal out there, probably the stupidest as well!


today i think we are here just filling our days with meaningless time wasters waiting for death. nothing we do can stop death, nothing we think and create will save us and heaven is a made up bullshit place to feed the basic human instinct of self preservation. and it’s a damn fairy tale, to ease the one main emotion that death creates in humans FEAR!


i believe that some dive into careers other dive into destruction all leading to the same place, all time wasters to fill the long days and years waiting for death to take us. during this time we create whatever we need which is all lies to make us feel better, happier, more productive and better about death and what happens afterwards OR the pointless rat race we engage in to waste time waiting for death!


i believe that you should never count on or rely on any human being, not your spouse, parent, sibling or best friend and i don’t care how great their loyalty and human credentials are. even the most sincere, nicest loving person WILL fuck you over! its human nature and thats just how we are made


close relationships filled with lots of i love yous and i’ll be there forever and blah blah blah is usually them feeding their own insecurities and making themselves feel more safe and has nothing to do with you! flattering as it may be it’s all UNTRUE and bullshit!


i believe death brings out the worse in the people left on this stupid fucking orb! i have yet to witness a loving reaction and truly supportive act done by anyone when a close loved one dies, in fact the opposite is what i have seen.

i believe men made god

i believe the most unselfish person is selfish, they just hide it better

i believe that we all lie. to others and ourselves.

i believe that passion and truth is dying and being bred out of the human race (honestly not sure this was something any humans at any given time ever possessed in the first place). as we see it more and more in our lives that people would rather live in falsehoods than realities and the only passion one may show on the outside is fueled once again by falsehoods, trends, peer pressure, sheep following sheep and none of it is real, it’s been made up to be real

i believe that people are straight up assholes! all of us, even me!

the person i was before my mom died is nothing but a faint distant memory, someone i passed along the street once. I don’t know her anymore. that stranger believed in god and the bible and christianity wholeheartedly, she believed in love over hate, good over evil, that her government protected her, that doctors should be trusted, that loyalty love and passion were present in the people she once had in her life. she was wrong — on everything, she is now gone and i have been “reborn” with the truth! and it does suck, but an ugly truth is always better than a pretty lie!

~Everything’s an illusion~

i have always seen humans for what they are – dumb and weak, i saw this very early on in my life.  being more of a realist seems to make people uncomfortable, makes them doubt THEIR realities. it threatens their comfort zones. sadly I truly want to be proven wrong with this “reality”!

Throughout my younger (haha) years, hanging with friends going to parties, clubs, etc, a lot of  times i would just sort of sit back and watch people without their knowledge, it’s very eye opening when you watch someone that has no clue someone is watching them (ok ok, yes, i DO hear how creepy this sounds), you see them for who they really are, words are nothing more than bullshit flapping out of mouths and in a way all words are used to manipulate others. NO…think about it — most of the time one says I LOVE you what is the motivation, usually them feeling insecure and needing to hear it back or it’s when someone does something they like so they say it as a confirmation that i like this do more. Do you see how we all manipulate with our words, even though it may seem innocent it’s not, we are all selfish and all assholes!


Another thing i have noticed and can’t stand, is how people follow others, trends, celebrities, fashion, hair, makeup, colors, even the way we build our homes and color schemes and decorations in stores, are all pathetic, it’s all trends, all powered by money and literally makes me want to fucking throw up! Makes me hate humans. People choose what others like, what others promote, what others are doing ALWAYS over what one personally likes, wants or believes in! ~ I hate how weak people are. I hate how people would rather follow what a fucking actress does with her damn hair than to follow someone they actually KNOW and LOVE and RESPECT (if they MUST follow anyone at all) – it’s pathetic to me and even when i was young and the most vulnerable to peer pressure and criticism i still always did my own thing! I gave no fucks about what the hell madonna was wearing or paula fucking abdul! I Liked their songs, jammed out to them but it stopped there!


I think that our government is our biggest enemy, sadly they scare the shit out of me and i hate that i have no control over this, that they get away with so much and there is nothing i (or we) can do!


I think that our whole medical field is a sham, i think the way they teach doctors or anyone in the medical field is a part of this sham, i believe the pharmaceutical companies are one of the most powerful entities in this stupid country, and therefore they alter and control  what is taught to be “truth” and medicine at colleges – sending out nothing more than robots to make them money and do what they say and to debunk, make fun and discredit real medicine and therapies that HEAL and not just mask!


I believe the medical field is taught just that. No one cares about the truth yet again, about getting to the root of the problem and healing it, it’s all about covering up the ailments and MASKING it which just causes more health problems while never treating the ailment, it is all organized and all on purpose motivated by power and money! Doctors purposely make us sick and purposely give us cancer to ensure an ongoing large amount of money for the ones in charge!


I believe the churches are the same, powered by greed, control and money never caring and or uncovering and teaching truth


One could say i am only focusing on the negative and the bad and it’s not the way to live i say bullshit i am focusing on truth and facts and my personal experiences in life what i have seen and what i have gone through.  I see myself as a realist. Someone that would rather have the truth be told no  matter how scary and haunting it may be to the human mind. Truth is always better than a lie PERIOD
I know that i am on a cusp – just don’t know if it is going to be a breakthrough OR a break down!